I started at a new place this year, and things were generally going really well in the first few weeks. Except for one class, where there was some rockiness. I was trying some weird stuff, and the kids said that they wanted the normal math class experience.*
* When the kids are saying class isn't going well, they're almost always right, but almost always wrong about the reason why. (Credit to Neil Gaiman, who said something like this about readers.)
Anyway, I've got a lot more colleagues and administrators in this new school, and they wanted to know how my first few weeks of classes were going. I told them the truth. I mentioned how it felt like a lot of these kids felt unhappy, and when I just came out of a bum lesson I told people that it was a bum lesson.
The result: a lot of administrators visited my classroom.
Forgive me, but I'm fairly self-deprecating. Lately I've been thinking too much about how this way of carrying myself has affected my career.
When I see conventional success, I tend to find a certain kind of confidence, what my grandmother or rabbi might call chutzpah. Our writers of note are those with answers, so rarely those with questions. There's no room for doubt in a keynote address. Your most popular posts are those with opinions, clearly stated and forcefully held.*
* (OK, here's a strong opinion: David Foster Wallace is overrated partly because of his almost divine levels of chutzpah. He wrote a book about infinity riddled with mathematical errors, and nobody bothered to send it to a mathematician for an edit?)
I'm trying to carry myself with a bit more confidence. When I write, I try to write with a bit more magnitude and direction. (Like a vector!) When people around school ask me how things are going, I don't stutter as much. Things are going well, thanks for asking, though we're all working hard, amiright?
But I'll never really be able to shake who I am, I don't think. I'm always going to be giving myself and my work a hard time. And I've got a feeling that people like me end up in the second row of success, professionally speaking.
First off, I'm digging this "more blogging less tweeting" thing you're doing. You're totally the kind of guy who needs more than 140 char to say it.
ReplyDeleteSo, if your thesis is correct, what's the solution? "Speak confidently even if you aren't", which is closely related to "fake it till you make it", seems like a bad solution.
Clearly, we're supposed to reflect/improve/be doubtful. Maybe administration would prefer we reflect in private, with closer colleagues. They want to see the results of the self-reflection rather than the process itself.
FWIW, I've definitely seen this in action.
I've got no clue, Megan.
DeleteIt might also be that slow, doubtful people just take longer to find success. We can still arrive at confidence, but it has to be earned over the years, through tears and blood.
Or not. I've got no clue at all, Megan.
This might be relevant: http://ace.home.xs4all.nl/Literaria/Poem-Graves.html
DeleteI'm finding myself experiencing the opposite issue this year. We are in the 2nd year of a new principal, and I have been here 11 yrs. I am working with our superintendent of curriculum and instruction at the district to implement CCSS vertically across the district, and my principal is refusing to allow me to do some of the work and has recently told a colleague in the math department, "Teresa knows too much." I have tried to back down, keeping more quiet, and attempting to focus on implementing his changes at our site, which are way too many and too varied all in one year, and am finding myself miserable and constantly targeted for instruction from the assistant administrators. It's affecting my teaching also. So my question is, Is there a comfortable medium?
ReplyDeleteThat sucks, Teresa. I'm sure there's a medium, but I doubt that it would be comfortable for you and me. We want to be ourselves!
DeleteYou know - I hate to attribute TOO much to gender stereotypes, but it sounds like both of you are suffering the effects of expectations. Men are supposed to be confident and assertive, while we expect women to be more quiet and unassuming. Too simple by a half, I know but I wonder if some of that is what is at play in both Teresa's and Michael's current situations. I also think that Michael's newness comes into play. If you've been there a while and are a known quantity, then that self-effacing aspect might be seen as more endearing.
DeleteBeing honest about where we are at seems to be appreciated by some and not by others; however, I agree that when we are critical of ourselves, others are likely to be critical of us also. This doesn't mean that questioning what we are doing and how things are going isn't important (the day that I start to think I am a rock star with nothing to work on, is the day I should get out of the classroom). I think we just need to be mindful regarding who we are open and honest with. If a waiter at a restaurant asks me how things are going, I am not going to pour out my struggles for instance; however, if my closest coworker asks me, I am going to unload my struggles instantly in hopes of collaboration, insight or just to know that someone else doesn't mind sharing in my struggle.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if this blog is a good place to unload occasionally? Not sure, as I don't have my own.... just a thought though.
This blog is a great place to unload. But there's a problem...
DeleteI blog for a lot of reasons, mostly personal. But, always in the back of my mind, is the reminder that if I do this blogging thing particularly well, I'll get some opportunities. Blogging's already afforded me a few nice career moments. Nothing fancy or flash, but when people read you and think that you've got smart things to say about teaching, sometimes they invite you to a conference, or think of you for a position, or whatever...
Anyway: The more you talk about your struggles on your blog, the less excited people are about your work. The more confidence you have, the more people are excited about your work. The examples are too numerous to mention.
It's sad that as human beings we are particularly drawn to confidence, sometimes more so than other, far more admirable qualities. I see your point though. Thanks for sharing some reflections and thoughts regarding blogging.
DeleteAfter 25 years of teaching, I still see many ways I can improve. I love being able to talk about it. (And it's not so easy to blog about.) I think good teachers often have a strong streak of humility.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty self-deprecating too. I've also found it's easy to fall into the trap of "a few people liked this, but two hated it, so it was a failure". Trouble is, it's impossible to please everyone, and yet that's often the position one ends up in as a teacher. There are probably victories happening too - and if we dismiss them as flukes, we need to do the same for failures.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it's the years of teaching, or simply the years, which have brought me to a place where I'm... let's say "at peace" with myself. I know my limitations, in and out of school, and I know how to poke/stretch at them without imploding. I know I'm not going to write really popular posts, or have an amazing lesson plan, but I act really well in a supporting role, adapt the ideas of others, and am not afraid to play devil's advocate with people. (Even myself, in that one could easily argue I've simply plateaued, and I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.)
Perhaps it's not a matter of shaking who you are, it's a matter of embracing it? But in doing so, making subtle adjustments over time. Not to who you are, but to how you perceive yourself. There's also the question of how you define "success", professionally speaking... even I don't have an immediate answer for that one.
I htink I'm the same way, but that hasn't stopped me following my passion, and soon I'll have a book out. I don't know what you mean by second row of success. I've never defined success on other people's terms. I would like to accomplish something special, and I feel like I'm doing that.
ReplyDeleteDude, welcome to the second row. It's a pleasure to sit next to you.
ReplyDeleteOh...one more thing. It strikes me that you may well put me in the "quick confident" category (about which you need say nothing—it doesn't matter either way and needn't be clarified; it only matters as a hypothetical here). And you probably don't see a lot of "I really screwed that up" writing on my blog. BUT! Maybe that is because I tend to reframe my "I screwed that up writing" as "I have questions about" writing. If I'm super confident about my questions it is because I have screwed some things up and am seeking to do better. And that, my friend, happens every day.
ReplyDeleteAlso, embrace Sue's wisdom about success. Are you happy doing what you are doing? Are you confident that your present path will lead to opportunities to continue to be passionate about your work (even if you have no idea what those opportunities will look like?) Those are much more important questions than figuring out which row you're in.
On success:
DeleteI agree with you and Sue. (See my nod to "conventional success.") The only sensible way to measure success is subjectively. Confidence might help you earn acclaim, recognition and the Earthly rewards that come with those, but confidence can't buy you love.
There are two reasons why I wrote this post anyway.
1. A bit of frustration.
2. It's important for the discerning few to recognize that those at the top aren't taken there by merit alone. Disposition matters.
I don't mind writing a post if it expresses a true feeling.
I've been thinking about this lately in the context of teacher education programs and HR departments. Megan nails it: "They want to see the results of the self-reflection rather than the process itself." Student teachers are told growth is the indicator of success. But those who embrace this are less likely to be hired, never mind find a place next to you (& Christopher & me) in the second row. And then we wonder why we're stuck in this cycle of "they haven't memorized their times tables" (or something else that allows me to look elsewhere) when we bring teachers together.
ReplyDelete(When they ask "How are things going?" do they really want to know? Or, simply a greeting?)
I think you've just got a PR problem. Google (or Bing or whatever) the phrase "fail early and often". It's all the rage in technology (and other fields as well). Read about any "great innovator" these days and you'll see them virtually brag about how often they failed before they made some innovative breakthrough. They're all channeling the famous Thomas Edison quote about discovering 1,000 ways to NOT get a light bulb to work.
ReplyDeleteYou're on the leading edge of innovation, you just don't know it!
I do not think Michael has a problem himself with his process, his problem is that while he and many of us admire it most folks do not. Give them the Edison quote and all they hear is "fail a thousand times".
DeleteMy new IT team thought I was a train wreck because I changed direction early on almost daily. I told them, "I am sorry I recognize bad design choices faster than you." That did not help. What helped was the amazing software we were soon turning out.
The bad news for Michael is that it could be a year or two before he gets results and longer before he gets recognition. The good news is that continual process refinement is the only way to win big, and that is for what he is shooting, so he just needs to keep pulling the arrows out of his back.
Sebastian Thrun just did a 180 with Udacity and everyone is freaking out over his "failure". Given his huge wins in engineering I have no doubt he just saw the failure of the first MOOC ideas faster than anyone else and will do something great (unless he loses interest in education!).
Michael, I am intrigued by your ideas here. I have struggled for many years knowing that I come off as someone who *knows* (i.e. often as arrogant and self-righteous). The idea that it is a quality that plays well in certain spaces is very certainly true. I thought of an amazing lecture given by @ddmeyer on Sunday morning at CMC-N (Asilomar). To the extent I know Dan, and the ways I see myself, we are much more similar to your thoughts about uncertainty and confidence than you. I often wish that my intense curiosities about teaching mathematics could be perceived as honest curiosities, rather than unquestionable statements or claims of arrogance. But, occasionally when I have acted in that way, I seem to meet up with people who feel sorry for me and decide that they need to fix me with their helpful (and demeaning) suggestions. Ugh. So usually I stop worrying about being perceived as smug and just run with it.
ReplyDeleteWell, that was a bunch about me. Thanks for providing the couch. My thoughts to you--I wish I had the cajones to tell colleagues as readily as you when I am recognizing things aren't quite going so well. I suspect they're going much better than you imagine, and likely the colleagues will both help you see that AND provide some insight (usually better than ready-made solutions)
Best. And I always enjoy your brilliance